Designer's Original

Writing on the Wall After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher. "In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother." Who Will Pay Your Bill? Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital),and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned s...

Praise The Lord A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen". The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen". He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord". The horse started going toward the edge of the cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!". Then he remembered and said, "Amen", so the horse stopped at the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!" Fruit Thieves A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule. After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced th...

Is There Baseball in Heaven? Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday." A Cat Goes To Heaven A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire i...

This week has been kind of a long one for me. So, I thought that I should end my week with a nice laugh to get my weekend off to a good start. Please join me!! The New Preacher A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the talk, his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school when a situation like this arose - repeat your last point. Often, this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try. "Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still, his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing. He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. Yo...

Funny Church Bulletins Mistakes (Part 2) 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. 14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16. The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 17. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 18. During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the r...

Funny Church Bulletins Mistakes!! 1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. 2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. 10. This being Easter Sun...

MISSING JESUS It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up! Author is Unknown GOOD LORD! A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" Author is Unknown Have a fun, joyful, and bless weekend!! Your Sister in Christ, Toia

Afraid of the Dark A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Hikers One day, Joe, Bob and Dave ...

Smart Mom A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that. "Why," asked the little girl. "Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs." The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?" Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy." The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!" "Yup," said the mom. I'd Like to See That "Oh, boy! I'm glad you're here," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side....

Good Sermon! After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!" Dangerous Dog One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?" "No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!" Important Man The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport....

Send your own ElfYourself eCards Can I get down or what? I didn't know I had it in me :) I guess times are hard!! Girly Comments & Graphics Your Sister in Christ, Toia

Police Emergency This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the police...

What Fell from the Bible? A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!" Author is Unknown Know what God Looks Like? A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl repl...

The Red Wagon It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the Nativity scene when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside where he saw a little boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the infant of Jesus. So he walked up the the little boy and said, "Well, where'd you get Him, my fine friend? The little boy replied , "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" The little boy replied, "Well about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it." Author is Unknown God, Are You Listening? A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God wou...

Getting The Pieces Right A father wanted to read a magazine, but was being pestered by his daughter. To keep her busy, he tore a sheet out of the magazine that had a picture of the world printed on it. He tore the picture into small pieces and said "Here, now go into the other room and see if you can put this picture of the world back together again." A few minutes goes by and he daughter appears in the room and hands him the picture all correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and ask her how she was able to fit all those little pieces of the world back together again so quickly. "Oh.." she said, "On the other side of the paper was a picture of Jesus and once I got Jesus in the right place, then the world came out alright." The Computer is Down Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for abo...

Taking It With You There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the...

Where is God?!? A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?” They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's...

A Dieter's Psalm Strict is my diet. I must not want. It maketh me to lie down at night hungry. It leadeth me past the confectioners. It trieth my willpower. It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake. Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening. The cakes and the pies, they tempt me. Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce. I filleth my stomach with liquids; my day's quota runneth over. Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the fear of scales forever. Your Sister in Christ, Toia

God's Left Hand Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked... "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" Author is Unknown Your Sister in Christ, Toia

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute." Author is Unknown Christian-Jokes Remember that the JOY of the Lord is your STRENGTH!! So, LOL LOL LOL, until it hurts.